If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You ruined the universe
last night I used snow as a chaser
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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