I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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