My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
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Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order