mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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