I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.