My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.