even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
After tacos, we're chasing women.