There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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