i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
