girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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