Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
