I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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