Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
