You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
