Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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