You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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