she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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