i love accidental penises.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
