i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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