I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
