My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think I just sharted jello shots
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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