You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
