I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
