Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
babies were throwing up all over the place
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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