i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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