bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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