drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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