this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
there is glitter all over my balls
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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