You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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