Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
