I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
