I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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