i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
