i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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