Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
