The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
