Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
