just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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