Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
