i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
