Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
