i think my mom watched the whole time
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
