All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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