checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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