A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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