That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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