Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
