You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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