At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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