just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
