You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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