She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
