bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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