I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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