so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
