I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
