I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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