If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
