hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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