So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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