I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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