when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
